Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
How to be Awesome
What's up fags? Class1ck here to tell you about how to become an Online Superstar, E-thug, and Interwebs Champion all rolled into one giant mass of kickass. Also known as me. The first step is you need a name that strikes fear into your e-foes AND makes everyone who sees it contemplate suicide over how shitty theirs is in comparison. Take my name for example, not only does it imply that I am SO good that I'm now a classic, a legend it also has a number in it and the addition of a k. These are crucial because they let everyone know that you know your fucking internets. Now lets give it a try, we'll start with something incomprehensible yet has connotations of being badass. Like, CUNT PUNCHER. See, that's a perfect start; everyone hates cunts and everyone loves punching stuff they hate. It's like putter butter and jelly, it's CLASS1CK! But we're not done yet, like I said it needs some internet flair, like: KUNT PUNCH3R. See now you're ready to go out and pwn some faggots.
Next you have to establish that you are indeed the ruler of the game you play. To do this is simple, the first time a 14 year old kid says something( and this happens alot) you immediately begin to ream him mercilessly. The transcript of your conversation should read something like this:
14 year old bitch: Hey guys I'm new to this game and I was wondering if anyone could help me?
You: Shutup jewfag, what are you like fucking four? Have your balls dropped yet bitch? Have they? Huh bitch? HUH?
14 year old bitch: Uhh, I'm fourteen. I just want some help in playing the game...
You: Whatever cuntbunches, you're just a little bitch who's balls haven't dropped. You want some help heres my suggestion, kill yourself now. In a fire.
14 year old bitch: ...what? Why are you so mean?
You: Because you fucking fail at life!! No seriously though go into your kitchen, grab a knife, and slit your wrists. Down the road not across the street you queer!
14 year old bitch: I just want to know how to play the game!
You: JUST HIT ALT-F4 FOR GOD-MODE!
Yeah, that bitch got shown what's up. See, one key thing you have to remeber when insulting someone online is that you need to combine a racial slur with a swear word at least once. Think of it like a game, the more racial slurs you mix with swear words the higher your score. At e-life.
The next step is you need to realize that you don't need friends. Why? Because you're better then them. Now I'm not saying you can't have cohorts, those are fine because they're beneath you, less then. Start off slow, by getting rid of your real life friends. This one is a no brainer because if you're off in real life doing stuff then you're not online advancing your e-self. The next part is a bit tougher because invariably you'll make friends online and as I've said you can't have friends because that means that you're not better then them. How do you fix though? Simple, you just constantly berate them whenever you see them online. Call them your bitch, tell them how horrible they are at the game, let them know that because of them you guys lost the game, and don't ever let them forget that they're indebted to you because you let them play with you. Basically make them into spineless yes-men and pariahs for your own enjoyment.
Well this concludes part one of the only article you're ever going to need in your life.
Monday, September 3, 2007
Bioshock
Well I just finished this spiritual successor to System Shock 2 and damn, this game was amazing. The game oozes atmosphere. From the gibberish chattering of the splicers as they wander around and chase after you, to the eerie and ominous thuds of a Big Daddy approaching, to the various mental breakdowns you hear/witness through the diaries that litter the game. From the get-go Bioshock absorbs you into Rapture and makes it a point not
to let go until you're dreaming about freezing some crazy drug addict and then bashing him with a wrench until he explodes into tiny ice cubes. And those ice cubes are pretty, the game just looks gorgeous and works its particular art style to perfection.
This isn't just a polished turd though, the gameplay itself is varied and fun, every new enemy represents a new challenge and has more then a few ways to be taken down. The splicers (think PCP on crack) come in a variety of flavors that all want you dead and behave differently. Honestly when I first saw one of them running towards me with his lead pipe creating sparks that illuminated the room it was pretty amazing. Then there are the Big Daddys, underwater behemoths that when you first see them all you can do is think, "I have to kill THAT?" Amid all of this are the powers you acquire throughout the game. Wanna burn stuff? They got that. Freeze it? Done. Electrocute it? You bet. Cover your enemies in bees? Oh hell yeah. You can actually have bees slowly weather your foes down. BEES! Half the fun of the game I thought was just figuring out combinations of those powers and the weapons you are given.
The story itself is also intriguing. You pretty much crash landed right next to this underwater paradise turned hellish failure and the game masterfully pulls you along from there. The 50's/60's setting is used to perfection with the story, which plays like a run through a tunnel with no light, you really have no idea what turn or drop or horrible atrocity is going to occur before you next. And I do mean atrocity cause the characters in the game are just straight unnerving. All of them are well fleshed out and all creep you out on a different level. They are so bone chilling thanks in large part to some good voice acting. There aren't many moments where you have to stop playing because what you just heard was the worst acting you've ever heard. Which in turn keeps you entrenched in the rich environment the game has to offer.
Overall this game is basically everything you want in a shooter: enough room to be creative, but penned in enough so that you're not lost while maintaining plenty of fun throughout. Also the "good" ending is pretty uplifting after all the shit you went through.
9.5/10
to let go until you're dreaming about freezing some crazy drug addict and then bashing him with a wrench until he explodes into tiny ice cubes. And those ice cubes are pretty, the game just looks gorgeous and works its particular art style to perfection.This isn't just a polished turd though, the gameplay itself is varied and fun, every new enemy represents a new challenge and has more then a few ways to be taken down. The splicers (think PCP on crack) come in a variety of flavors that all want you dead and behave differently. Honestly when I first saw one of them running towards me with his lead pipe creating sparks that illuminated the room it was pretty amazing. Then there are the Big Daddys, underwater behemoths that when you first see them all you can do is think, "I have to kill THAT?" Amid all of this are the powers you acquire throughout the game. Wanna burn stuff? They got that. Freeze it? Done. Electrocute it? You bet. Cover your enemies in bees? Oh hell yeah. You can actually have bees slowly weather your foes down. BEES! Half the fun of the game I thought was just figuring out combinations of those powers and the weapons you are given.
The story itself is also intriguing. You pretty much crash landed right next to this underwater paradise turned hellish failure and the game masterfully pulls you along from there. The 50's/60's setting is used to perfection with the story, which plays like a run through a tunnel with no light, you really have no idea what turn or drop or horrible atrocity is going to occur before you next. And I do mean atrocity cause the characters in the game are just straight unnerving. All of them are well fleshed out and all creep you out on a different level. They are so bone chilling thanks in large part to some good voice acting. There aren't many moments where you have to stop playing because what you just heard was the worst acting you've ever heard. Which in turn keeps you entrenched in the rich environment the game has to offer.
Overall this game is basically everything you want in a shooter: enough room to be creative, but penned in enough so that you're not lost while maintaining plenty of fun throughout. Also the "good" ending is pretty uplifting after all the shit you went through.
9.5/10
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